Minimising & Taking Words out of Context

Frankly I’m always triggered when this happens, even though recently I’m finally starting to understand it has got little to do with me, but more to do with those who did it. And mostly because that’s how the world around me operates since I was a little girl.

And the silly me used to try to gaslight my own internal self into thinking “well the world IS that simple. Why couldn’t I feel or think like that?”

Today, I mentioned to a friend I feel a little sad because I’m turning 35 in a few days and I feel like my life had been the same for a while now. And she immediately go “but why? What change are you expecting? If you are thinking of a child, it’s still not too late!”

I have to say this sort of respond is pretty common, or as people would say- “pretty normal”. However, a million things went through my mind, but mostly offended and confused, as usual.

As a friend, I am a disappointed that she didn’t bother to probe more but immediately jump to conclude that either I want a change, or that I am thinking of a child. If I’m thinking of a child, then the only concern I have is there’s an expiration date to my womb.

And actually, sometimes even though the things I’m thinking about is along that line, but most of the time what I do want or am concern about are entirely different.

So let’s say in this case, I am actually considering having a child, but my concern is more along the line of am I capable of raising a child to be a mentally strong enough to be vulnerable. The society now is more damaging than encouraging, is there any way to counter that?

So if I say these, she will probably go “a-hah! I knew what you’ve been missing is a child in your life”. Which is not helpful at all.

This is why most of the time I would rather choose not to say anything. Because if a person is more concern about being right about their guesses about you rather than genuinely want to be there for you, the conversation would be more about feeding their ego than nourishing my soul and my heart.

So, for anyone out there who read this and get what I am trying to say, it is an healing experience for another person to feel seen and heard, and even sometimes you might not have a practical solution to give, you have already done way more than taking things out of context and giving a solution which you think you will want, rather than what they would want.

Oh, and the next time when someone is opening up to you, a simple “Oh would you like to tell me more” would suffice.

Why do People Gossip (and why am I a match to them)

Throughout my life, I’ve been the juicy hot topic of a gossip from time to time. Usually, it’s paints a picture of me not as a human being with true feelings, but like a character (sometimes villain, sometimes an annoying extra) from a TV show.

While at times even myself wanna applaud those who came up with the things I hear about myself, most of the time I asked myself what did I actually do wrong, which makes me come to this.

Gaslight & Self-blame (and scapegoat)

When I was young, whenever we go clothes shopping, my mother would ask my father for his opinion on things she picked out. Coming from a MCP culture, my father usually ends up criticizing her choice and my mom would say nothing and just put it back onto the rack.

Once my mother asked my father for opinion on something I picked out, I made a snarky comment on how he wouldn’t know better because I cannot bear to hear another criticism on how I made a had choice. After my father kept quiet and walked away, my mother told me that I shouldn’t disrespect and hurt my father like that.

While my own hurt was never acknowledge.

Brought up from young being gaslighted it’s always my fault, how to take responsibility and self-blame for other people’s words and actions, I open up myself to a sea of vibrations matches of “how can I minimise myself even further for appeasing the masses”.

Inclusive

Funny how I’m always on the receiving end, but I don’t engage in other people’s gossip myself. If you read the story above you will know I’m always desperately trying to fix something or to fit in, it wouldn’t be me to call it out in a group and being outcasted, would I? Because apparently even without doing so, I would already be outcasted and judged from time to time.

I know- your external world is merely just a reflection of your internal world. While I’m still just a work-in- progress, raising my own awareness would hopefully prep myself mentally to the next step towards healing. So here’s my notes on what I’m going to work on.

1. Instead of resisting and trying to take control n responsibility, sink into the feeling of powerlessness and take in acknowledge I cannot control everything. (Completion process)

2. Call out things as they are, instead of trying to fit in all the time. Get used to the feeling of rejection, because only putting myself out there, then there will be chances of connection in the midst of rejections.

3. Raise awareness by telling my own stories (still working on the courage) 🙂

Till next time!

Why do People Gossip (my 2 cents on it)

Somehow, I am always on the topic of a good gossip. Some may be true (how I turn into a bitch when I get triggered), some debatable (I’m a bimbo who only talk clothes, shoes and make up) and entirely wrong (let’s not get into it for now).

I’m really just a plain O’Jane (yes I’m old now), and I value my privacy a lot. Which makes me ponder (and triggered sometimes), what makes me “juicy” enough to end up on a people break time chat. But honestly deep down, I know it has something to do with my vibration.

1. It boosts their own ego.

But hey, before we get into that. How about let’s discuss a little on a generalise basis? Why do people Gossip?

Remember that saying, if you can’t lost weight, how about fattening up those around you? If you think you ain’t pretty enough, surround yourself with ugly people. Silly and mean, but it works. When we call it out like this, people boo at this act. But when the people around us does it (hey didn’t Jeremy just got fatter?), we happily join in cos it boosts our own ego too (oh yah! I did see him snacking a lot lately)

2. Some people use it as a trade to feel connected.

Have you ever met someone who never have any other things to say except about other people? And funnily, they never share anything about themselves. And if they do, they make sure it’s textbook perfect. (I never do anything else in my life except work and feed and cloth my kids no I give my whole life to my family and kids no I have no struggles my life is perfect and boring pls don’t talk about me let’s talk about Jeremy).

Truth be told, I understand why and I pity them a little. Because they feel like they have nothing valuable to offer from themselves to the relationship that they can only trade gossips in order to maintain any kind of connection.

3. We do it because we want to feel included.

And I’m guilty of this. I have to admit that my self-esteem is not high enough for me to bear any sort of rejection (my tolerance is pretty low and I’m still working on it).

And that’s why I get why people do this. We are, after all, social creature who wants acceptance and fear rejection.

Now, why am I a match to being always the topic of a good juicy gossip? (It being true or not is irrelevant here.)

Gonna sleep on it and continue tomorrow. 🙂

Invisible (healing)

I just had a breakthrough, and a breakdown.

I always have trouble with my back, it always felt uncomfortable. It wasn’t at ease, my right side is always flaring up with pain.

For the longest time I tried countering it with tons of physical treatment. Be it working out, seeing a tuina practitioner, yoga or self-diagnosed stretched found on Youtube, it seem to always work for a while, then everything went back to the same old uncomfortable posture.

Today, I had enough. I decide it’s time I face it, spiritually. Initially I thought it would be hard meditate on it, ’cause I find some stuff that are too traumatizing for me to face doesn’t surface up as easily. So I decided to go with a guided meditation.

Somehow strangely, after a few minutes into it, I felt an extreme strong force pulling me towards to right. And an image of a disfigured person on the whole of the right appeared in my mind. The pull was so strong I felt like I am going to fall off my bed, literally.

At first, as usual, I resist it. I, after all, didn’t want to really fall off my bed. Then Teal’s words popped into my head- stop resisting it, go with it. So it actually took me more effort of getting used to not stopping where it was about to take me. When I really let myself go to feel, it really felt like a vortex, and the amount of force didn’t diminished, not a single bit.

I sat with it for a while, before I start asking myself what does it represent. Then an answer just popped up in my head- the force represented all the requests and expectations of all the external- family, friends, work, colleagues… even my own chores. So I started with Teal’s way of questioning it.

What would it be so bad if I didn’t fulfill all these requests and expectations?
I would probably meet with disappointments, eventually rejections.
What would it be so bad if I am rejected?
I would probably out-casted and unloved.
What would it be so bad if I was out-casted and unloved?
I would be deemed as a failure, and not be recognised.

Ah-hah.

That’s when the feelings flooded in. My parents deemed that of me when I was young, when I’m not behaving in a way they deemed approvable. And I started the completion process.

The same image of how when I wanted to let my mother know when are my exams dates are once again surfaced. How she told me “as long as you know about it” and not even wanting to look at my schedule sheet at all made me feel invisible, unimportant, dismissible. I asked the usual 3 questions, and asked myself, what do I need in order to heal this trauma.

My parents as themselves now appeared. Because the truth is when they were raising me, they were themselves kids. I know from my heart they didn’t love my any less, it’s just they didn’t understand or know how. It wasn’t their fault, and all I need to know is how they actually love me, when that never stopped.

This may not have been entirely healed, but hey, it’s a start of awareness and healing.

Stop restricting emotions

When you are having any sorts of emotions reaction, especially a negative one, I’m pretty sure you must have heard any of these before.

Are you having a bad day?
Did something happened to you?
Are you on your period?

The first 2 probably aren’t as obviously offensive, but I hope you get the underlying meaning of these response- you are supposed to be nice and positive under normal circumstances. Any types of negative emotions are not acceptable, and you being unable to hide that means something must have happened.

Which honestly, I get even more agitated because somehow I didn’t even get the outlet to say “no, it’s because of this situation. YOU are the person/situation that annoyed me.” Gaslighting strategy at its best because it’s saying “it’s definitely can’t be me, hence it must be you, any other attitude than smiling and saying yes is not acceptable.”

And the people who says these are either

• Narcissist. Because other people’s feelings don’t matter except for my own.
• Those who have disowned their own feelings. Other than acting obediently and socially-accepted ways is atrocious behaviour. So they don’t just do it to you- they do it to everyone else.

We are all entitled to our own feelings- that’s how are maintain a healthy state of mind. Disregarding how we actually feel and stuffing them deep down inside us is how you go crazy.  Stop it with the you this is not how you should behave nonsense.

What if you were always in the perfect situation?

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Believe, Inspiration, Inspirational, Inspire, Inspiring, Motivate, Motivation, Positive, Positive Mindset, Positivity, Self Improvement

Have you ever wondered that to yourself?

What if I was born with a silver spoon?
What if I hit the genetic jackpot?
What if I was born clever?
What if I was raised by reasonable parents who taught me the right values?
What if I was always surrounded by people who cherish and love me, and I feel the same for them too?

What if those were true… where will I be now instead of… here?

I asked myself those questions whenever things started going south. I asked why am I not equipped with abundance of financials like some others out there? Why do I keep meeting people who take me for granted when I genuinely gave them my heart?

I believe most of us ain’t the top of the bunch, nor are we at the bottom. But this disease of comparison happens to the best of us. And the truth is- even if you are in the most perfect situation, if your heart wasn’t right, it’s not gonna lead you to the right place either. And in fact, with ampleness and wrong intention, things could go downhill faster than you could imagine.

So, instead of engrossed in thoughts of why weren’t you blessed, focus on yourself- your personality, your character, your heart. Things might not improve as fast as if you were equipped, but it will improve alright. So stop blaming, keep going.

Hey look, that grass is greener!

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Inspiration, Inspirational, Inspire, Inspiring, Motivate, Motivating, Motivation, motivational, Positive, Positive Mindset, Positivity, Self Improvement

Are you one of those people who are always thinking how good would it be if you go with the other choice? Do you go out with someone, and when the dishes came, you can’t stop eyeing at what the other person ordered and thought his/hers is better?

Maybe it had became a pattern, maybe I didn’t have a positive mind to begin with, but I’m bringing this offender of my positive life to light and I have to address this now.

As everyone knows- there’s a flip side to every coin. For the coins in Singapore, in front, you get to know how much the coin cost along with a beautiful national icon or landmark of Singapore. On the other side, you get the symbolic Coat of Arms, and the year which the coin was born.

Which is more beautiful, you ask? If you were to only choose to have one, which will you choose?

There’s no denying there’s beauty to either side of it, but if you choose to see only what you lose out after you made your choice, then for sure there is no beauty in whatever you choose.

The good thing about these coins though, is if you own one, you get both sides to it. However, in life, we can’t have it all. We have limited time, and only one presence. So instead of focusing what you are losing out, why not choose to be present, choose to be happy and satisfied with the choice you made? Because what you choose not to be grateful for today, might not even be there tomorrow.

So let’s make a pact with ourselves, shall we?

One thing at a time

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Inspiration, Inspirational, Inspire, Motivate, Motivation, motivational, Positive, Positive Mindset, Positivity, self help, Self Improvement, Self-Growth

I need to write about this- after reading this article, I realised I’ve been one of the offenders for a very long time. I’ve been watching movie while doing my weekly ironing, browsing social media while having my meals, watching youtube videos while pooping (admit it, you must have done it at least once in your life).

So who else is a culprit of these bad habits?

While there is a voice pecking at the back of my head that these bad habits really have to stop, I just couldn’t bring myself to. It’s just like some people who adds tabasco to everything they eat (same goes for people to choose add chilli padi or sambal chilli), you just wanna get that extra kick and would rather be overly-stimulated than to feel bored, even for a moment.

For a while, your life is gonna seem great, you are never bored again! You are accomplishing more things with less time! You have finished reading 3 articles and found out that Jenny had gotten engaged through the internet by the time you had done with the movie, you had caught up with Jeremy over whatsapp what’s going on with his life while finishing up that work report.

But as time goes by, you realised you need to do more things at the same time to keep feel stimulated enough, to not feel that your life is dull. By the end of the many months or years later while keeping up with that habit, you are gonna realised you have been covering the surface of every ocean on earth without diving deep enough to find out what’s going on. You are gonna feel like you didn’t bond close enough with your loved ones because you were busy keeping up-to-date with your acquaintances online, or important information didn’t stick in your mind because you were busy jumping from tasks to tasks without giving enough focus and concentration.

So, this is gonna one of my new year resolution of the year- one thing at a time. If you are like me, hope you will make this one of your own too.

This too shall pass

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Inspiration, Inspirational, Inspire, Inspiring, Motivate, Motivating, Motivation, Positive, Positive Mindset, Positivity

Sometimes, the problem you have on hand seems too big- so big that you couldn’t see anything else.

It feels like this humongous balloon that flew right into your face, and no matter what you do, all you can see is this balloon, even though you know deep down how fragile and insignificant a balloon is- the thinness of it’s material, and the gigantic size is just merely filled with air. What is deceptive is its the bright and intense colour. You knew it’s filled with nothingness, but you still panicked when it stuck right in your face.

You stare and you stare at this bright colour in your face, thinking this is your whole and only world right now- a huge, big problem in your face. There are things going on besides this inconsequential thing, but you cannot see anything else because you choose to let it momentarily blind you.

Now we may all get astound when it first happen, but it’s up to you to choose to notice the fact that a tiny needle is gonna do the trick- this too shall pass.

Chasing after your dreams isn’t for the faint-hearted

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Inspiration, Inspirational, Inspire, Motivate, Motivation, Positive, Positive Mindset, Positivity, Self-Growth

While there are so much to gain, there is so much to lose.

It’s not just about the money, not just about the time. It’s those moments you doubt yourself in spite of the tremendous effort you had put in, the criticism from the world that tells you how much you are doing wrong, and situations going south when you really need them to go right so you can start believing in yourself again.

If this isn’t about that something dear to your heart, you could have tell yourself oh well, this isn’t for me. Let me try something else. No, this will be as heartbreaking as your soulmate telling you no babe, this is all wrong, we are not meant for each other.

This why some of us worked for other people’s dream. This is why we rather have a to-do list of the things we need to check off at work, then go home to watch the telly and call that contention. Less hope, less devastation.

But if you devote yourself to your passion, if you have the guts and bravery to walk on this path, the payoff will be immensely satisfying. I’m not saying there will always be a happily-ever-after fairytale ending, but the journey will make you strong, determined, courageous. Willing to bare yourself and show the world what you like, and what you think you might be good at, risk yourself of the possibility of being slammed by hateful feedbacks- you are gonna come out of the other end of the tunnel a different but better person.

So are you willing to take the chance?