Frankly I’m always triggered when this happens, even though recently I’m finally starting to understand it has got little to do with me, but more to do with those who did it. And mostly because that’s how the world around me operates since I was a little girl.
And the silly me used to try to gaslight my own internal self into thinking “well the world IS that simple. Why couldn’t I feel or think like that?”
Today, I mentioned to a friend I feel a little sad because I’m turning 35 in a few days and I feel like my life had been the same for a while now. And she immediately go “but why? What change are you expecting? If you are thinking of a child, it’s still not too late!”
I have to say this sort of respond is pretty common, or as people would say- “pretty normal”. However, a million things went through my mind, but mostly offended and confused, as usual.
As a friend, I am a disappointed that she didn’t bother to probe more but immediately jump to conclude that either I want a change, or that I am thinking of a child. If I’m thinking of a child, then the only concern I have is there’s an expiration date to my womb.
And actually, sometimes even though the things I’m thinking about is along that line, but most of the time what I do want or am concern about are entirely different.
So let’s say in this case, I am actually considering having a child, but my concern is more along the line of am I capable of raising a child to be a mentally strong enough to be vulnerable. The society now is more damaging than encouraging, is there any way to counter that?
So if I say these, she will probably go “a-hah! I knew what you’ve been missing is a child in your life”. Which is not helpful at all.
This is why most of the time I would rather choose not to say anything. Because if a person is more concern about being right about their guesses about you rather than genuinely want to be there for you, the conversation would be more about feeding their ego than nourishing my soul and my heart.
So, for anyone out there who read this and get what I am trying to say, it is an healing experience for another person to feel seen and heard, and even sometimes you might not have a practical solution to give, you have already done way more than taking things out of context and giving a solution which you think you will want, rather than what they would want.
Oh, and the next time when someone is opening up to you, a simple “Oh would you like to tell me more” would suffice.