To be honest, I always thought I was a real responsible person, now or as a child, comparing to a lot of other peers of my age. I always do my homework as a child, I do my own laundry, I make sure my work is always done properly. So I always thought so, until recently.
I’m blessed with good parents since I was a kid. Now, I’m blessed with the perfect boyfriend. And as a Singaporean, I’m still living with my parents, there are certain things we don’t have to do. Like making sure there’s food for dinner, socializing with the relatives. For now I don’t even have to fork out money to pay for any dine out or groceries because my boyfriend will take care of that.
However, whenever I tried to fork out the money and pay for anything, I was always overwhelmed with resistance to part with my money. It is then I realized I have so much negative energy associating with money, that I had been avoiding paying for anything by making someone else’s job.
I started doing things I haven’t been doing, that I wasn’t responsible for as a couple, as a family member.
I start taking out the trash, I realized I panicked about accidentally throwing things that we still need.
I went to pay the bills, I realized I don’t want to part with the money.
I went for a gathering, I realized how panicky I got because I fear being around a big crowd.
And I always thought I had let go so much of my attachment, but actually I just had successfully avoid all of them.
Fact is, we all want to be free. Free from responsibilities, attachments to unnecessary stuffs. When we find somebody in our life who is willing to take over the job, we gladly shun the task and let that person do it. But avoiding doesn’t make the situation any better. The only way is to face what ever monster lives inside of you head-on, and understand why in the first place is the monster living there in the first place. True detachment will come when understanding why attachment exist in the first place.
I have so many monsters to face, after taking back all the responsibilities I had handed over to my closed ones, but I know I have to face them all. After performing them, I meditate to understand the reason behind on a deeper level. Sometimes it’s a traumatic experience from the past that is stopping me, or it’s just a bad belief that had been in my system for a very long time. Either way, it’s time to let go.
Try it, you may be surprised what you may find. 🙂