It’s about time I should update my blog.
Well, it’s not because I’m lazy, or because I wana abandon the blog for good, but it’s just been not so inspiring recently.
I had been working, and at the back of my mind I kept constantly reminding myself to let go of the stress and negative emotions that you normally get from work. But it haven’t been working, really. I know it’s gonna be twice as hard when you are surrounded with negative people with their negative beliefs, but I know this is not an excuse. I forgive myself when I had a bad day though, but I know I’m never gonna give up until I’m there.
There as in- detachment from my emotions, free myself from the spinning wheel of the mind, free of any external satisfaction I still crave of them, now.
Enough updates of myself, I’m moving on to one big enlightenment I have of myself recently.
I had come a long way- from fearing to fall asleep to being able to sleep, from scaring myself awake at night able to sleep soundly. I’m giving myself credits for these, but just today, I realized there is still fear in me. It’s glaringly obvious, but somehow the mind refuse to pick it up.
I am untidy, or so far as I’ve known of myself. No matter how I tidy up, no matter how much effort or determination I put in, things will still turn messy eventually somehow. I was frustrated with myself, and at a point I even asked myself to accept that as a part of me.
But the thing is, whenever I start to pick up stuffs and put them away, a voice inside my head always say, what if you need it later? what if you forget where you put? You wana throw that away? What if you regret?
I always have the fear I’m gonna somehow regret this action, even as simple as putting things away. I admit, I feel safer and more secure with the familiar, and as expected, I always hate the unknown. Even as a child, there was this one time in class I had to make a lantern out of toilet roll and I couldn’t find any, I kept a whole drawer of toilet rolls because… you know, just in case.
I haven’t figured out a way, or rather, I haven’t figured what have I experience as a child to cause this, but I decide to face it all now. Face my fear, because this is the only way to let it go.