It’s first day of Chinese New Year (CNY) today, and I never had been a fan of it. In fact, I had a pretty rough day yesterday and today.
To be honest, I can never say “I had a great day!” before for CNY, and it wasn’t until today, after practising spirituality for almost a year now, that I realized why.
Besides the fact that I have really nasty relatives who ask tough questions and having the habit of digging into your dark, dirty secrets and making them into a mountain out of a molehill, (besides that…) fact is, I have a lot of deep, dark, dirty secrets. Well, even though not technically, I do have a lot of shame for my past.
From love confession to boys when I was still young, to eating disorder when I was older, I never like to be reminded that I actually did those things, especially the period when I attended singing lessons and aspire to be a singer. Because I never succeed, and it always remind me what a failure I was.
Looking back at my youngish, immature and maybe even a little dumb self, I realized how much I’ve grown. And as much as I wouldn’t like to be reminded how I was like in the past, I have to admit it’s my trait of not fearing to take chances and bumping into closed doors made me turn to spirituality, which made me a better and peaceful person now.
However, despite how true is that, attending the gathering every CNY is like hey, I’m gonna go through the list of stupid things that you’ve done to remind your how dumb you were as a person. And the worst part is- to tell you that you are still that person.
So, these 2 days were my first CNY gathering that I actually sat down and reflect on my feelings. The sense of shame that overwhelmed me were raw and pink, and definitely not an easy emotion to swallow, but I did it anyway, and I did feel better after.
After writing out my whole chunk of experience, I just want to say, it’s never easy facing your past, and it will never be. But being able to overcome and accept the past for what it is, will give you a sense of peace you never had. More than just that, you will take back the key from the bullies who has the access to hurt you emotionally whenever they want. Gaining back the power can also make you go so much further in life.
It’s my first step, I have so much more to go, but you know, I’ll never give up, and I hope the same goes for you. 🙂