This post is gonna be more personal, so I shall dedicate this post to myself. 🙂
For many years, I thought I had been owning my life. I put myself through school, up until University. I got myself part-time and temp jobs along the way. I even got myself my first job, and a few more jobs after. I stop taking money from my parents since after secondary school, I earned my own pocket money. I got myself clothes, pay my own bills etc. I thought I was owning it, I took responsibility for my life. But who would have guessed it, I was utterly wrong.
I have the perfect little habit when things go wrong- I run. I created new emails and social network accounts when I don’t wana face my past. I stopped picking up phone calls or messages from people I don’t wana deal with anymore, I never gave them any reasons. I stuffed my own stuff into a box and chunked them aside, because I don’t have the courage to face them.
And you might have guessed it, I hurt no one in life except myself.
When it all started, it feels like I don’t have a choice. My mom, who was responsible to take care of me when I was little, was pretty rigid with rules at home. (We are an asian family after all.) It wasn’t stuffs like, I need to be a doctor when I grew up, or I need to have good enough grades to go to certain school, but more like little freedom in life. Like, I can’t make myself a meal tooo early or tooo late at home, else she would be angry that I create tooo much noise during the “off-peak hours”. If I didn’t wash the dishes immediately, she would assumed I put them there for her to wash, she would get angry. I can’t talk to her when she’s cooking, else she would get pissed at me for distracting her. Even so I buy things and didn’t use them, wanting to donate them away, she would be pissed at me for being wasteful.
It’s stuffs like this since young until now get me into an edge, and I “ran away from home” since I was young. I was either at school or at work, I would get home late at night so I don’t have to face anything. That was the start of running from responsibility.
Then I go to work, the same thing. I had bosses who would watch you, if you went for a tooo long toilet breaks, if you are at your computer working or just surfing internet, and if you are emailing work or personal stuffs. I didn’t stood up for myself, instead, I hide. When I was taking breaks, surfing net a little, I would take note of bosses if they are standing behind my desk, trying to “catch me”. I would change email topics to a fake work topic, so that they wouldn’t notice.
When it comes to relationship, when I just started dated a person and I don’t see it going anywhere, I would stop contact immediately. The other person would go outta his mind trying to figure out why, but I just refused to face them and give them a proper explanation, for fearing the unexpected.
I start blaming the environment for making me a certain way. My mom wasn’t reasonable, I have petty bosses, I have possessive dates etc. But as a matter of fact, I fear responsibilities.
People could be hard, and uneasy to deal with, but we need to recognize we are not responsible for their negative emotions. I am a HSP (highly sensitive person), and exposing to you are unhappy because of me kind of guilt doesn’t make it any easier for me. But you know what? If you keep compromising yourself to feed another’s egoic emotions isn’t gonna make it any better. In fact, it’s gonna make you lose yourself, which is a lot worse. Believe me, I experience it first hand.
I’m not saying it’s not your fault when you deliberately cause pain to another, but when you make a choice solely based on what’s best for you, yet another person (who isn’t involve in the choice in the first place) show their unhappiness and instill guilt in you, cut cords with these kinda people and let them go. We don’t need anybody emotionally draining and disrupt our life totally.
If it’s someone you have to live with, like my mom, you will have to remind yourself every single time she got unhappy because of you, tell yourself it’s her it’s not you. Let it go.
It’s not gonna be easy, but it’s worth it effort. Rather than being always trap in your own emotions in decision-making, let go of the negative emotions and make practice making conscious choices. You will thank yourself later for that, and with all sorts of people out there, you know you will truly own your own life when you can no longer be emotionally drained and guilt-tripped by someone else. 😉